Peterball
by polydora
Summary: Peter discovers his old volleyball in the basement and recalls his dreams of becoming a volleyball pro. Lois encourages him to play again, but Peter makes a mess by joining the girl's volleyball team and once again ruining Meg's life.
1. Leaf Monsters

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own Family Guy. There.. I said it.**  
  
**Scene appears with Peter and Brian sitting on the couching, watching "Gigli on Ice: Live" idly...**  
  
A commentator speaks loudly over Jennifer Lopez's swishing skates: "She looks quite agile on those skates. Look at that turn! Here comes the leap.. Ben better catch her!"  
  
Jennifer leaps and spins in mid-air, caught by Ben, but slashing his cheek with her skate. He drops her.  
  
"You.. Bitch! The wedding is off! It's SO off!" Ben exclaims, his hand touching his cheek. He runs off the rink crying while Jen lies in an awkward position on the ice.  
  
Lois walks into the room with a mop in her hands.  
  
"Peter, why don't you help around the house? Maybe you could rake with Meg." She suggests.  
  
"No way, Lois. Not after before.." He trails off.  
  
**Peter has a flashback where he and Meg are raking a thick layer of leaves...**  
  
Peter slowly rakes for a while. Suddenly he uncovers Chris, who immediately screams.   
  
Peter continues to rake slowly, stabbing and scraping Chris while Meg and Chris scream. Peter has a blank, wandering look on his face.  
  
Suddenly Peter realizes that he's raking Chris and stares, not realizing it's Chris. He starts to scream with them.  
  
**The flashback ends and returns to the living room...**  
  
Peter shudders. "Until then I knew that leaf monsters existed."  
  
"That was Chris." Brian says in a monotone voice.  
  
Slowly Peter's eyes widen, filling with tears. "My son is a leaf monster.. Curse your DNA, Lois!" He says, pointing viciously at Lois. He runs into the kitchen, crying.  
  
**Later, Peter has finally been put to work and is organizing things in the basement with Lois...**  
  
Peter searches through a box, sorting through things they don't need and things they do. He pulls out a pair of wooden crutches and smiles.  
  
"Hey, look Lois! I'm tiny Tim." Peter laughs, lifting one leg and using the crutches to wobble around the basement.  
  
Lois begins to laugh when one of Peter's crutches break and he falls suddenly. Peter slowly stands up like nothing happened and tries to fix it.  
  
"Peter, you don't need to fix that. I was going to get rid of it anyway." She says, searching through another box.  
  
"You can't, Lois! These crutches helped me in a time of need." He says meaningfully.  
  
**Peter has a flash back, where he is slowly walking down the stairs..**  
  
Peter trips on a step and falls down the stairs. He takes the crutches, which were idly leaning against the wall at the end of the stairs. He uses them and hobbles away, laughing.   
  
"You can't catch me, dumb stairs.."  
  
"Yes I can. Ho ho ho.." The stairs say, eyes appearing on them and the banister reaching out like an arm and tickling Peter. Peter and the stairs laugh.   
  
**The end of chapter one.**  
  
**_Please give me some reviews! I need some ego-stroking to make me write more of this stuff =D_**


	2. You Killed Kenny!

**While Peter and Lois search through the boxes in the basement, Meg comes down the stairs...**  
  
"Hey. What are you-" Meg is cut off when she trips over a volleyball idly lying on the stairs. She and the volleyball roll down the stairs and Meg falls unconcious.  
  
"Oh my god!" Peter rushes over to Meg and picks up the volleyball lying next to her. "This is the baby that won me the state championship!"  
  
Lois ignores Meg too and walks on top of her on her way to stand next to Peter. Meg groans and her arm twitches.  
  
"I didn't know you played volleyball." Lois says.  
  
"You didn't know?! I was like the freakin' king! Watch this serve." Peter throws the ball in mid-air and serves it.  
  
Meg begins to regain conciousness and slowly lifts her head. The volleyball knocks into her head and puts her unconcious again.  
  
**Later at the dinner table...**  
  
"What is this food, woman?! It's tastes of..of... doo doo! Yes, doo doo. I propose I exchange this meal for... Your life!!" Stewie exclaims, pulling his ray gun from his highchair.  
  
"Stewie, no toys at the table." Lois says, pulling the toy away and putting it next to her.  
  
"Peter, no volleyball at the table." Lois says as Peter spikes the ball to Meg, hitting her in the face and knocking her out of her chair. Peter laughs.  
  
Stewie slowly reaches for his ray gun as they speak.  
  
"Come on, Lois. How am I gonna get good again if I don't practice?" Peter says.  
  
Stewie's fingers get close, but no avail. He falls off his highchair. He gets up and stomps out of the room angrily.  
  
"Why do you need to practice?" Brian asks.  
  
Meg wakes up and gets back into her chair.  
  
"I'm gonna join the volleyball team." Peter explains.  
  
"Who's team?" Brian asks.  
  
"Duh- The highschool team!" Peter says.  
  
"No way! You can't! You'll ruin my life!" Meg says.  
  
"No I won't, Meg. I'm joining the girl's team."  
  
"Peter, Meg's a girl." Brian says.  
  
Peter eyes Meg warily. "Ooookaaaay..." He slowly gets up and sneaks out of the room.  
  
**After dinner, Lois and Peter talk about volleyball before bed...**  
  
Peter climbs into bed next to Lois.  
  
"Peter, why are you joining the girl's volleyball team?" Lois asks.  
  
"The boys are so rough." Peter says.  
  
**Peter has a flashback where he is playing in a volleyball game on the boy's team, not really doing anything...**  
  
Someone serves the ball and hits an opposing team's player in the face, knocking him over. It turns out the person he hit was Kenny, from South Park.  
  
"Holy crap! You killed Kenny!"

**The end of Chapter 2.**

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	3. Kick Your Butt

**The next day at the Griffin's...**  
  
Everyone is sitting at the table, finishing their breakfast.  
  
Meg stands up to get her backpack. Peter does the same, grabbing a StarWars backpack and matching lunchbox with a picture of Jaba the Hut on them.  
  
Lois looks at Peter awkwardly. "Peter, what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm gonna try out for the girl's team, Lois. Your gonna drive me, right?" He says, picking up his fork and prodding her with it.  
  
"Ow.. Yes, Peter I'll- Dammit Peter, would you stop doing that?!" She says as he continuously prods her with the fork.  
  
"Ok." Peter says, putting the fork back on the table.  
  
"Like I was saying.. Yes, Peter I'll drive you to school. But I don't think you'll need a backpack."  
  
Peter looks disappointed. He looks at his backpack and sighs. "Sorry, Jaba. Lois says I can't bring you."   
  
Suddenly a miniature Jaba the Hut appears from the inside of his backpack. "It's alright, Peter. I get this a lot."  
  
"I was gonna feed some kids to you at school, but uh.. you know." Peter says.  
  
"No, really. It's alright." Jaba says, sighing.  
  
**Later, in the car...**  
  
Lois is driving towards Meg's school, with Meg and Peter in the backseat.  
  
Peter licks his finger and slowly moves it towards Meg.  
  
Meg notices and screams. "Mom, Dad's licking his finger and touching me with it!"  
  
Peter quickly stops. "No I wasn't! She was...And- And girls have cooties."  
  
"Peter, girls do not have cooties." Lois says.  
  
"Whatever you say, Lois." Peter says suspiciously.  
  
**Peter has a flashback...**  
  
Peter is in the hospital with Lois slung over his shoulder. She is kicking and screaming.  
  
"Put me down! What the hell are you doing?!" She screams.  
  
Peter goes to the hospital desk and the nurse at the desk looks at him awkwardly.  
  
After a long silence, Peter talks. "She's got cooties."   
  
"What?" The nurse asks.  
  
"Look- I _really_ don't like touching her." Peter looks suspiciously from left to right and leans up to the nurse. "She's a carrier."  
  
**The flashback ends.**  
  
Peter licks his finger again and slowly moves it toward's Meg's face.  
  
Meg screams and Peter laughs.  
  
**At Peter's volleyball tryouts...**  
  
Peter walks into the gym, where girls are doing there stretches on one side of the gym and boys are beating up Kenny on the other side.  
  
Peter shudders at the sight of Kenny.  
  
He looks at the girl's team and sees Meg. He waves. Meg is distracted for a moment by him and is hit in the face with a volleyball, even though they aren't even practicing.  
  
"I'm here to try out for the team." Peter says, walking up to the coach and ignoring Meg.  
  
"Are you- Are you serious?" The coach says, which is a man.  
  
"Yea."  
  
"But you're- You're.. You're fat.." The coach says. "Oh- And you're a man." He adds.  
  
"How dare you judge me you... You feminist!"  
  
"Don't you mean sexist?"  
  
"Ok.. Whatever floats your boat." Peter begins to pull down his pants.  
  
"Oh, god! Please no! Stop!" The coach begs.  
  
Peter stops.  
  
"Fine. You can try out. But you can't go in the girl's dressing room. You gotta change with the boys."  
  
"Look, buddy, I wouldn't dare see my daughter naked." Peter begins to walk away. "Incest freak." He mutters.  
  
**Later, at the tryouts...**  
  
"Peter, you're up against.. Megan." The coachs says.  
  
"Oh sweet!" Peter says as he stands parallel to Meg, both far from the net.  
  
"I am going to kick your butt!" Peter says as the coach hands Peter the ball. "No, I'm serious.. There's gonna be a footprint."  
  
Peter serves the ball to Meg, and she bumps it back.   
  
Peter leaps to get it, but he leaps to high and the ball hits his stomach. The volleyball gets sucked into his fat.   
  
"Oh, god.. This is just like before." Peter says.  
  
**Peter has a flashback...**  
  
Peter is sitting on the beach with a girl cuddling up to him.  
  
"I really like you, Stacy." Peter says.  
  
"Me too." She leans her head agianst his stomach and is instantly sucked in, her legs briefly kicking before they are sucked in too.  
  
Peter stands up. "Don't panick! I just need some oil and a pick and you'll be out in no time.." Peter says, running off.  
  
**The flashback ends.**  
  
"Look, I'm gonna need some oil and a pick." Peter says to the coach, who rushed over to Peter.  
  
"The mountain climbing team is using them." The coach says.  
  
**Cuts to the mountain climbing team..  
**  
A boy is climbing a wall with footholes, though it is slicked with oil and he is only using a pick.  
  
The coach is below him. "C'mon Tim, you big wuss!! Go faster!!" The coach screams.  
  
"I- I can't!" Tim is crying.  
  
**Cuts back to Peter at the tryouts..**  
  
"Fine. I'll have to use my superhuman strength to pop the volleyball out of my stomach." Peter says.  
  
"Really, you don't have to.. We've got some extras-" The coach says, but is cut off by Peter grinding his teeth and grunting.  
  
All his pushing makes him soil himself. "I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom after this.." Peter says, slightly embarassed. "Not like this hasn't happened before.."  
  
**Peter has a flashback...**  
  
Peter is standing next to his wife, Lois, at the hospital. Lois is in labor.  
  
"Push! Push!" The doctors shouts and Lois pushes.  
  
Peter starts pushing too and soils himself. "Now what?" He asks, his pants looking a little plumper.  
  
**Flashback ends.**  
  
Peter keeps pushing. Finally the volleyball shoots out and hits Meg in the face, knocking her out.  
  
Peter wipes his brow, and suddenly Stacy pops out of his stomach too. "Stacy!" Peter gasps, and Stacy runs off crying.  
  
**Later, at the dinner table...  
**  
Meg is sitting with a bruise on her face.  
  
"So, Peter, how did your tryouts go?" Brian asks.  
  
"Not so good." Peter answers.  
  
"Did the ball get sucked into your flab again?"  
  
"Yea.."  
  
**Flashback...**  
  
The Griffins are at an carnival, where spectators are looking at a giant ball of yarn.  
  
Peter steps over the caution tape and hugs the ball.  
  
"Hey, look Lois! I'm hugging a ball of yarn." Peter says and laughs. Suddenly the ball gets sucked into his stomach.  
  
Peter slowly sneaks away.  
  
**Flashback ends.**  
  
"But the coach said I could try out again tomorrow." Peter says.  
  
"What a nice man." Lois says, smiling.  
  
"I know! And get this- He's so nice that he let another guy on the team! His name is Meg Griswald or something.. Sort of a feminine name for a guy." Peter says.  
  
"Meg's a girl." Brian says _again_.  
  
"Oooookaaay..." Peter says, slowly getting up and sneaking away.

**The end of Chapter 3.**


	4. Can I hold them?

**I don't own South Park or the Beaver. I pity the people who owned the Beaver..**   
  
**The next day, at Peter's tryouts, early in the morning..**  
  
Peter walks to the coach's house. He walks up to the door and rings the doorbell.  
  
The coach opens the door.  
  
"Hey. I'm here to retake my tryouts. You said I should meet you here at 10:00." Peter says.  
  
"It's 4:00 in the morning, and I said you should meet me at the highschool." The coach explains.  
  
"No way! I checked my clock!" Peter says.  
  
**Flashback...**  
  
Peter is staring at the thermometer.  
  
**Flashback ends.**  
  
"Fine, just let me have breakfast. " The coach says.  
  
Later, Peter and the coach are in the kitchen. The coach is eating breakfast...  
  
Peter is staring at a Felix Clock (one of those with revolving eyes and a swinging tail) hanging on the wall. "Something is wrong with your cat."  
  
"That's my clock."  
  
"No, that's your clock.." Peter says, pointing to a thermometer on the wall.  
  
**After breakfast, Peter and the coach go into the backyard for tryouts...**  
  
"You'll play against my son, Tod." The coach says, patting Tod on the shoulder.  
  
Peter watches the coach pat Tod on the shoulder. "Incest freak." Peter mutters.  
  
**Skips to Peter and Tod playing volleyball...**  
  
Peter serves and Tod spikes it back.  
  
Peter leaps and stops in mid-air. Peter spins, very similar the Matrix. As the ball nears Peter, his flab stretches and slaps the ball back to Tod.  
  
Tod is shocked at Peter's "Matrix" stunt and the ball hits him in the face, knocking him over.  
  
The coach walks up to Peter, ignoring Tod. "Good job, Peter. You've got a spot on the team."  
  
The coach pats Peter on the back and is instantly sucked in.  
  
**Later, at Peter's first volleyball game...**  
  
Peter's team stands in a huddle.  
  
"Alright team- We're playing against the Anorexic Badgers." The coach says.  
  
**Cuts to a locker room full of badgers, each dressing into volleyball suits.**   
  
One stands in front of the mirror. "Look at you, fatty!! Your so god damn fat!!" He says in a slightly gay voice. He cries and runs into a bathroom. The other badgers hear vomiting.  
  
**Cuts back to Peter's team, the Purple Hornets, standing on the volleyball court.**   
  
They are parallel to the Vomiting Badgers, which are _not_ actual vomiting badgers.  
  
The rest of the Griffins are in the stands.  
  
"Go Peter!" Lois shouts.  
  
A man from behind looks at Lois. "Who's Peter?" He asks.  
  
"Oh, he's my husband." Lois says.  
  
The man looks at Meg, mistaking her for Lois's husband. "I thought his name was Meg."  
  
**Cuts back to the volleyball court.**  
  
"Ready? Play!" The ref says, backing away from the court.  
  
A girl in the VB (Vomiting Badgers) serves the ball. It is tossed back and forth for a while.  
  
Finally, Peter has the ball. He spikes it and wins the game.  
  
The PH (Purple Hornets) shout in victory, as well as the crowd. The crowd applauds.  
  
"The Badgers smell like poo!" Chris shouts.  
  
Stewie tugs at Chris's shirt. "Whoa, whoa.. Calm down buddy. No need to get stingy. Get it? Stingy? Hornets?" There is a long silence. "Aw, screw it."  
  
The PH pick up Peter to parade him in victory, but are instantly crushed beneath him.  
  
**Later, in the boy's locker room...**  
  
Peter is taking a shower with the other boys, who are all looking at him awkwardly.  
  
"Is that.. Is that Chris Farley?" One boy whispers to the boy next to him.  
  
"Don't say anything." The boy next to him says.  
  
A boy next to Peter, Jim, looks Peter over. "What are you doing here, old timer?"  
  
"I'm on the girl's team." Peter explains.  
  
"But you're a guy."  
  
"You're just jealous that I won."  
  
"You're too fat for.. me to... be.. jealous." Jim says, not really able to think of an insult.  
  
"Are you calling me fat?"  
  
"No." Jim says sarcastically.  
  
Peter smiles. "Thanks." He says, not noticing Jim's sarcasm.  
  
**Later, when the Griffin's get home...  
**  
Meg, Chris, Stewie, and Brian all go upstairs for bed. Peter and Lois stand at the end of the stairs.  
  
"Congratulations on winning, Peter. You know, I've got a surprise for you.." Lois says, smiling seductively.  
  
Lois unbuttons her shirt, revealing nothing underneath.  
  
"Aww! You are so sweet! They are absolutely precious! Can I hold them?" Peter says.  
  
**Later, 12:00 at night...**  
  
Peter wakes up, hearing splatting and obnoxious shouting from teenage guys. He gets out of bed and looks out the window, which is being pelted with eggs by a bunch of guys from the boy's volleyball team.  
  
"Get off the team, fatty!" One shouts.  
  
"Well, eh.. Get off my lawn, pimply!" Peter shouts back.  
  
"I can't help if I have an excessive quantity of acne! That Neutrogena crap doesn't work! Neither does Clean & Clear.. But Dove works! Yeah! Go suck on that!"  
  
**The next day at breakfast...**  
  
Peter looks rather gloomy. He sighs.  
  
"What's wrong Peter? You don't look very happy. And where's Lois?" Brian asks.  
  
"Last night the boy's volleyball team pelted the house with eggs. Lois is outside cleaning up."  
  
**Cuts to Lois polishing their window.**  
  
Suddenly a volleyball boy rides up on his bike and throws an egg at the window, hitting Lois.  
  
"Sorry!" He shouts.  
  
"You're late. They already egged us last night." Lois shouts back.  
  
"Oh.. Well, do you know when the next meeting is?" He shouts back.  
  
**Cuts back to the Griffins (except Lois) at the table...**  
  
"That's terrible. Why'd they do it?" Brian asks.  
  
"'Cause I'm fat and I'm on the girls team."  
  
There is a long silence.  
  
"Don't let them discourage you." Brian says, hoping to encourage him.  
  
"You're right, Brian!" Peter stands up. "I should fulfill my dreams! I won't let them stand in the way of my victory!"  
  
"I never said that." Brian says.  
  
**A few days later at the next volleyball game...**  
  
After a quick game, Peter triumphs again. Peter continuously wins games, clips of his victories are shown.   
  
To celebrate, Peter goes to the drunken clam with his buddies: Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland. They are sitting at their usual table, all drinking beer.  
  
They all raise their mugs to a toast. "To Peter and his victories in the Purple Hornets volleyball team!" Cleveland says. They clash their mugs and drink.  
  
"Wow, guys. This is really thoughtful of you."  
  
"Well, you know. We try." Quagmire says.  
  
**Flashback...**  
  
Peter, Quagmire, Cleveland, and Joe are all in a ranch with a unicorn prancing around Peter.  
  
"Wow, guys. This is really thoughtful of you." Peter says, petting the unicorn.  
  
**Flashback ends.**  
  
"Peter, we got you a present." Joe pulls out a medium-sized, gift-wrapped present from beneath the table.  
  
Peter instantly unwraps it, and reveals a golden volleyball.  
  
"Sweet! Thanks, guys!" Peter says.  
  
"If there were two of them, they would look like breasts." Quagmire says. Everyone stares at him.  
  
"What.. No one noticed?" Quagmire says.  
  
**Before the next volleyball game..**  
  
Peter walks up to the coach, the rest of the PH following him. "Hey, coach. Can I use my gold volleyball? I think it's good luck."  
  
"How do you know it's good luck?"  
  
"Rub it." Peter says.  
  
The coach rubs it. "I don't feel anything."  
  
Peter chuckles and looks back at the rest of the team. "It looks like he's rubbing my balls." The rest of the team laugh.  
  
**Later, at the beginning of the game...**  
  
Peter holds the golden volleyball, which he had convinced the coach to use.  
  
"Ready? Serve!" The ref shouts, backing away into the stands and tripping.  
  
**Cuts to the stands.**  
  
Suddenly the Cleaver's appear, from the show "The Beaver." "Hey, look dad! Swell, a ref! Can I keep it?" The beaver says.  
  
"No, son. It's probably dead by now."  
  
**Cuts back to the game.**  
  
As the game goes on, the boy's volleyball team is in the stands booing the PH.  
  
Peter is obviously distracted, barely missing a serve.  
  
He misses a serve, losing the game on acount of the boy's team booing him.  
  
Somehow the ref awoke and now enters the court. "And the Swollen Kneecaps win!"  
  
**Cuts to the Swollen Kneecaps, with actual abnormally swollen knees. Some are shouting in victory.**  
  
Two of them are having a conversation. "Isn't is coincidential that our team name is the Swollen Kneecaps, when we actually have swollen kneecaps?" One says.  
  
"No." Says the other.  
  
**Later, in the car with the Griffins...**  
  
"Lois, I'm thinking of quitting the team." Peter says.  
  
"You can't quit! You just lost one game."  
  
"I know, but those volleyball boys are discouraging me."  
  
"Listen- If the boys were to egg our car at this exact moment, I'll let you quit the team." Lois compromises.  
  
Instantly the car is pelted with eggs. The volleyball boys ride away on their bikes, laughing.  
  
"What a coincidence. You should have said something different." Brian says.  
  
"Like: 'If Peter was to get skinny at this exact moment, he could quit the team'?" Peter suggests. Instantly he is skinny. "Sweet!"  
  
**The next day, Peter goes to the coach's house...**  
  
Peter rings the doorbell and the coach opens the door. "Peter? What do you want?"  
  
"I'm quitting the team."  
  
"Oh.. That's too bad. We'll miss you."  
  
"Like I haven't heard that before..." Peter says.  
  
**Peter has a flashback...**  
  
"Behind the Scenes: Friends" appears.   
  
"The cast member you didn't know about.." A voice says.   
  
Peter appears, hugging the cast of Friends.   
  
"We'll miss you." Jennifer Aniston says.  
  
**Flashback ends.**  
  
"I'm gonna need your uniform." The coach says, which coincidentally Peter is wearing.  
  
"Oookay.." Peter says, beginning to undress.  
  
"Not now dammit!" The coach exclaims, shielding his eyes.  
  
**The end of chapter 4 and Peterball.  
  
I hope you enjoyed my first script of Family Guy! Please write more reviews! I'd love more encouragement! =)**


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